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011 [Action]/[Audio]
[On the 11th, Pilouette watches as the the world and life she knew, her life, gradually breaks down around her, returning to its original state. But hadn't really been her life, had it? Memories, both real and false, flow forth mixing and separating and mixing again.
For more than a week, she had been Pilouette Panda, a rich girl with a father who gave her all the time (and money) in the world. She had two younger siblings that she did her best to steer in the "right" direction...but she had also been rude and nasty, looking down on those who had less. Pilouette had also been spoiled and arrogant, never satisfied with the things she was given, yet she was confident in her place in the world, a place she didn't earn and didn't need to earn. It was already hers, after all.
Pilouette Bonheur was the only child of a workaholic father. She went to school and came home every day, where she often found herself alone, chatting with friends or doing homework, doing exactly what she was supposed to do. She worked hard to prove she was capable and to get others to like her and had a few close friends who she loved dearly...yet no matter how much she worked or how hard she tried, she never quite felt as if she accomplished much and seemed to always need someone else's help.
For the moment, she isn't quite sure which is real. Or which one is worse.]
12th
[As the village continues to right itself, Pilouette trudges back to her apartment, keeping her head down the whole way. She does not leave. She does not want to leave. She answers the door when someone comes calling, but she does not leave. She watches the journal closely, but makes no attempt to broadcast anything herself. And the more she sits there and thinks, more and more things begin to weigh on her mind, leaving her feeling like a mess.
In her time in Luceti, her memories had been tampered with before. She had been made to think she was a boy and always had been. Another time, her memories had been stripped away entirely, left with only a small card telling her who she was. But each of those times, she had still been herself. Silly Pilouette who was awkward and nervous, wanting people to look at her and like her but not wanting to bother anyone with her silly little problems.
This was on a different scale entirely. Her real memories were more settled and she's starting to get a handle one what is and isn't real and it's hard to deal with.
For the whole time she had been Pilouette Panda she had been awful. Worse than awful. She had been abyssmal. She had been dispicable.
She had been a real bitch.
She had the means and power to help others, yet she refused to do so. And as she really was, she wanted so much to help others, but lacked the skills and confidence. But either way...she had been unable to really help anyone. Even in a completely different life. She always thought "Maybe if I was different, maybe if I was someone else..."
For a week, she was. And it didn't help. She knew nothing, learned little and had no skills.
Instead she was everything her grandparents had told her not to be. ...Her grandparents. Her dad. Her friends. She had forgotten her loved ones, pacified by fake relationships. Siblings that weren't really her siblings! Her beloved father who doted on her wasn't her father at all. He was a bear. That bear.
And the cultists! They had been in the village! She had seen them! She had scrambled around during the battle trying to keep herself out of danger, terrified the whole time. It hits her, really hits her for the first time that, aside from the kidnappings and the shifts...the enclosure isn't safe. The cultists had gotten in. How long had they been there? Surely the Malnosso had noticed, hadn't they, that the cultists were there? They must have. They had to have seen it. Did the Malnosso even try to help? Had they ever intended to? Or were they willing to just leave them to the cultists? She wasn't even entirely sure what had occurred during that week.]
[She needs to get out.
In the late afternoon, Pilouette leaves her apartment and heads for her spot behind the school. She sits for a while, talking to anyone who approaches her, but she's unable to clear her head. It's not far enough. So she scuttles back to her apartment and packs her small messenger bag, before heading to the forest. She's not sure exactly where she's headed or for how long, but she goes. She feels just a little childish, like a little kid running away from home, but at the moment, she doesn't care. She walks and walks for a long time until she can't walk any more. She slumps down, leaning against a tree and stares at the ground.
And then, she cries for a long time.
But it's not until she decides to head back to the village in the early evening that she realizes...she's lost. In her hurry, she had forgotten a map and no matter how long she wanders around she can't seem to orient herself. So,reluctantly, Pilouette turns to the journal. When she speaks her voice is quiet and a bit shaky. She makes sure to cover the camera. Even like this, she's not quite ready to show her face after how she acted.]
U-Um...I'm sorry, but...
I think I got myself lost. Um, in the forest. Th-this is probably a lot of trouble after...after everything, but...
["Can someone help me?" As if anyone would want to help her after all the nasty things she said and the way she acted.]
...I'm sure I'll find my way back. I just didn't want anyone to think anything happened to me.
[She sits for a moment as she considers maybe asking for help. Instead, she abruptly ends the feed and goes back to wandering the forest.]
[action]
[Freaked out doesn't quite get it. She wondered how close she was to being that girl; what exactly was it?]
A-Anyway, even if you're not angry, I still feel really bad. I...I'll do my best to make it up to you, I promise!
[action]
[Though if she really wanted to make it up to him somehow, he wouldn't do much more to dissuade her. She might feel better if she does this, after all. It's a personal thing.]
[action]
[She feels especially embarrassed by that.]
To be honest, there are probably a lot of people I need to make things up to...
[action]
[action]
[Not just trying to absolve her own guilt but trying to prove to those she didn't know as well, that she's actually not a terrible person.]
So, um, if you need anything done, let me know! Cooking, cleaning, laundry...Even if it's something you just don't feel like doing! I'll do it! O-Okay?!
[action]
[action]
[She's not even sure she should say anything. They weren't quite themselves. But...]
Um...I-If you don't mind me asking...Why did you ask me to the dance? If you even remember. I mean, I wasn't exactly um, the best person. [She quickly adds.] Y-You don't have to answer if you don't want to, though! I-I mean, it probably doesn't mean anything now anyway, you know?
[action]
U-um, well, I... [Should he lie? No, he's an awful liar, he'd never get away with it when he's known Pilouette for as long as he has. He might as well just admit it.] I guess I... thought you were kind of cute, that's all.
[There are probably more embarrassing reasons out there, but it's still pretty darn embarrassing for Shinji to admit. If he had been himself, he never would have been able to ask someone out like that, no matter what he thought of them.]
[action]
[So even an awful personality can be overlooked if someone is cute...? Pilouette thinks about this for just a second. She's actually starting to regret asking and hadn't even known what kind of answer she was expecting.]
S-sorry, um, th-that was probably a weird thing to ask, right? I was just wondering because...because I've never been on a date before. Or...been someone else's date. Or whatever.
[action]
[And even if he wasn't, he still thinks he's the least likeable person there is. He wouldn't wish dating himself on anyone, to be honest.]
[action]
[She says that but now she really regrets asking because she's probably made the whole situation worse and generally more awkward.]
L-Like I said, I'm really sorry about everything. ...I should probably apologize to my um, "family," too...
[action]
It's okay. And that's a good idea, I think you should. They might need your apology more than me.
[Not because of her meanness, but because of the whole "family" thing. He knew that that could complicate things a lot more than homecoming dates could.]
[action]
[Part of her is relieve that Shinji isn't mad, but it makes her feel even stronger about making it up to him.]
[action]